How I got into fitness, and why I became a fitness instructor:
I became a Fitness Instructor in spring of 2013. At the time I had just left a marriage of 8 years!
My life plans had completely shifted, the day we got married I really believed it was forever. I felt completely lost. I had no job, no money... I had been a stay at home mom for the past 3 years of my life, we had two young children. A boy and a girl.
After I discovered he had cheated more than once I decided that I was not going to take the emotional abuse anymore! It was October 2012 and that Fall I jumped! I got my bags, my two kids and I left! I was reckless, my boy was only 5 years old and my girl was 2 years old. I didn't have money or a place to go so I went to live in my old bed room at my mom’s house. I turned to fitness at the time because it was the only way I could deal with the anger and the anxiety I was feeling. I joined boot camps and other fitness groups. I never thought I could do this as a profession my self esteem and self confidence were completely shattered. After I ended my 8 year marriage all I could do was self blame for what had just happened, all I could think was
“Why did he cheat?”
“What did I do wrong?”
“I am not good enough!”
These are just some of the thoughts that will cross a woman’s mind after the man she loves betrays her. As you have just read here I have been through it my kids were very young and I felt very scared, trapped, rejected. It's a very dark place to be, but today when I talk to women in my fitness classes that are going through a similar experience or have recently visited this traumatic place. I know and I realize this experience and my ex husband's emotional abuse were necessary because I know that because of this life experience my soul and my spirit have lead me to this moment, and the place I am today!
I am truly grateful for this life lesson and I send him love always.
I did not always feel this way. When it first happened to me, I blamed myself for years. I felt and said horrible things to myself and in my heart I knew I was just not good enough. I had always been insecure, even before I knew about the cheating and when I found out he was seeing another woman behind my back, I was completely destroyed. I wanted to know everything about the other woman! I wondered what she looked like, who she was. I wondered who he became when he was with her. I began to torture myself with these thoughts.
I remember the night I discovered it… I looked at myself naked in the mirror and pointed out everything that was wrong with me. I found everything was wrong with me. Why wouldn’t he cheat? But that reflection in the mirror was false. The reflection staring back at me was a perception of myself that was coming from a place of self destruction and blame. The reflection staring back at me from that bathroom mirror was all of my insecurities that I had developed over the years. My insecurities that were caused by the emotional abuse and his insecurities.
Through this journey I would often go back to see myself through his eyes. I see a young mother loving her two kids and husband. She is keeping up with the house chores the best she could, waiting by the window at 6:00PM to serve dinner. I see a woman who took care of everyone else except herself. I see a woman whose whole world revolved around her kids, and her husband. He is the only adult person she socializes with on a daily basis. The only time she gets with friends or other women like herself is when there is children’s party in her and her husband’s circle. She feels excited about it all week because she will connect with other moms just like her. I see a woman whose whole world is him and the kids. A woman who is completely destroyed by his hurtful actions because he is her entire life.
I made the mistake of losing who I was to become this role “mom and wife” nothing else.
The reason I share this with you is because so much self-destruction, and blame happens after someone cheats, and the truth is… I did nothing wrong, the cheating most likely had nothing to do with me. I snap myself out of the victim mentality! And started working on my fitness empire!
I live in a “hero” mental state and it has changed my life!
“What would wonder woman do?” I began to ask myself. I doubt she would sit around crying over superman.
She gets off her butt and makes shit happen.
How Burlesque Fitness changed my life:
Fitness was a healing experience for me. I didn’t realize it then but in this 8 year marriage my self-esteem and myself image had been completely shattered, Sexy had nothing to do with me. I could never connect to it. The feeling of “Sexy” only came to me when he said “You are sexy!” “You look sexy in that!” I had the privilege of hearing these words only on special occasions… Anniversaries, birthdays, Valentine’s Day. The rest of the year I felt unattractive and not very sexy. I had given all of my sexy power to someone else, and I had no idea how to connect with my seductive energy without a man being involved.
I felt very insecure and not very worthy of exercise. I remember searching desperately for other people’s compliments by asking “Does this make me look fat?” “How do I look?” And there… when asking these questions I gave away so much, my self-image and my confidence all relied on the answers and opinions of others. The answers to those questions held the power of how I was going to feel in what I was wearing. At the time I didn’t see it, why did I need approval? Why couldn’t I feel good about myself without someone reassuring me?
I had to face these very same questions when launching my own business as a personal trainer and Burlesque Fitness instructor. When beginning the class I had to face major criticism and disapproval. I had to stand my ground and become completely detached on what others felt or thought about me and what I was doing with my life. I had begun my journey and no one was going to stop me from living in my dharma. By healing the women in my fitness classes I began to heal myself. I believe every woman deserves to feel like woman without anyone reassuring her but herself. I believe in stepping into my seductive power and I want to share this with every woman that comes in my path. It is not about seducing a man! It is about seducing yourself. Love yourself woman only you hold the power. Feel and own you’re sexy every day.
It has took a lot of soul searching, and reflecting but I was able to find myself again, I have seduced myself and I am madly in love with this woman I have become. Through connecting with reflections of my old self, old girlfriends and family who are my soul mates. Through taking care of myself, healing the women in my fitness classes, and healthy living, I found my purpose. My life has changed, and I was able to learn how to love my family without forgetting to love myself.